Monday, May 10, 2004

frantic, screaming voices
You’re the editor of the Daily Mail, the frantic, screaming voice of middle England.

In normal times, you’re supportive of the USA. Its general tendency is to move Britain to the right politically. You hate Europe, basically because it is European.

In times normal and abnormal, you loathe Tony Blair and everything he stands for, even though you maintain that he doesn’t stand for anything. He is Evil, and That is That.

Britain has joined a US-led war. Hooray for our brave boys! But no. If successful, this war will work to the credit of Blair. Blair is Evil and That is That! And the Daily Mail is Good!

For a while, you are in two minds, or three or four. You maintain that the government is not fit to lead Britain into the war, but must take part anyway. You share the concerns of the French and Germans. But it cannot be – they are French and German! And America is Good. But the US is friends with Mr Tony Evil Blair!

After several months of an editorial policy which consists of yelling abuse at everybody, you eventually collapse in a quivering heap on the antiwar side of the fence. But this means that the Germans and the French are right. If they are Right, they Might even be Good. And this Cannot Be!

Deep in the fevered night, an answer presents itself. A quick phone call to a favourite historian follows.

Resolution! The Americans are not Good after All. They have lots of people who originally come from Germany! Rumsfeld! That’s why they torture people! It’s because they’re Europeans!

You go to the doctor to get more lithium.